He Who Couldn't
by Orrick
Summary: Sookie and Bill visit Hogwarts and something horrible surfaces. Can Bill keep it together? Humor fic.


"Look Beel! Look how pretty it is!"

Bill sighed, entwining his arm with his girlfriend's. Sookie was oohing and aahing over all the antique portraits moving, yes, _moving_ on the stone walls, and Bill made a mental note to show her some of the Compton's hand-painted fine arts.

"Ah think we should get going, Sookeh." Bill tugged at his lover's arm, but she put all her weight on her heels and Bill was unable to move her, mostly due to his lack of upper body strength. He sagged, giving up, shooting sad and desperate glances to all the faces on the wall.

"I concur." A deep, drawling voice said to their right, and Sookie turned a deep shade of magenta while Bill rolled his eyes. Professor Snape stepped out of the darkness, his greasy black hair casting shadows across his face. He sneered as he looked at the pair of them. "Believe it or not, Mr. Compton, Miss Stackhouse," He nodded to each of them as he spoke. "I _do_ in fact have classes tomorrow, given it will be Tuesday." His sneer deepened.

Sookie scrunched her pretty little eyebrows. "But…but…I thought today was Friday!"

"No." Snape retorted shortly, turning to talk to what he considered to be the most intelligent of the pair, but not by much. "Mr. Compton, I suggest you escort your…friend off of Hogwarts premises. The tour-" Snape scowled. "-should have ended fifteen minutes ago."

"But Beel! Beel!" Sookie pressed her breasts against Bill, making him unable to concentrate fully. "We haven't had time to speak to the president yet!"

"I believe the term is 'Headmaster' and he is most likely sleeping, considering that's what most persons of reasonable sanity do at this hour." Snape's voice was almost as greasy as his hair.

"You shut up!" Sookie stuck her lip out. "Beel can't help that he's a vampire and can't go out in the day! You shut up!" Bill nodded vigorously at her words, clutching Sookie's shoulders protectively.

"Ah think mah behloved Sookeh has requested to see the Headmastah." Bill made his face serious, pulling Sookie to his chest. "Ah ask that you take us to him immediately."

Snape hissed some incoherent words before turning swiftly on his heel and walking down the hall, not bothering to keep a slow pace, even though Sookie was in ten inch heels. The halls were eerie, cold, and all around miserable. Bill and Sookie eyed the paintings and statues nervously, fiddling with their hands and trying not to jump. Sookie had to hold back a cry of terror when a ghost floated right through her, making her feel like someone had just poured a bucket of ice down her shirt.

But as they walked, silently, the usually gray floors faded into a bright, cheery yellow, and soon they could see someone had sloppily painted bricks on them. An old, happy tune could be heard playing softly in the background, and Bill and Sookie visibly relaxed, much to Snape's dismay.

Snape decided to answer their unasked question for the sake of breaking the silence. "The Headmaster has…unusual taste; this is the result of allowing him to choose the Halloween decorations. Three years ago." Snape drawled, stopping at a statue of a gargoyle. "Sugar Quill."

Sookie oohed and aahed once again when the stone gargoyle moved to reveal a door with a revolving staircase. They went up, Sookie squealing in excitement, about to push the Headmaster's door open, but Snape held up an arm to stop her. "Foolish girl! He's talking to someone in there, are you deaf?" Snape shushed them rudely so he could eavesdrop on the conversation going on.

"I'm deeply sorry for your inconvenience, but we have to remember that no harm was done, and that's what really matters, is it not?"

"My apologies for scoffing, Headmaster, but I would hardly say there was 'any harm done.' My protégée, as controlled as she can be, nearly ripped the person in question's head off. If she had, dare say, would there be 'no hard done?'"

"You are thinking of what could have been, not of what was. I assure you, he will be punished for his actions, though not severely. If you have not noticed, he is not entirely stable, and I refuse to act harshly to someone who is unable to see he has done something wrong."

"Very well."

Bill's eyebrows flicked up almost instantly as he recognized one of the voices. Outraged, he shoved lanky Professor Snape out of his way and pushed the oak door open so hard it slammed against the wall and made everyone jump with a start. "Eric, what are _you_ doing here? You knew Sookeh and Ah would be here right now taking a tour!"

The blond vampire was sitting casually in an old, comfortable chair on one side of the room, one of his legs propped up on his knee, a full cup of tea in his hand that he only accepted out of politeness. Sitting in the center of the room, behind a desk, was an elderly wizard with a long white beard. He had papers scattered in front of him and his eyes twinkled when Bill, Sookie, and Snape entered the room. "Sit down, sit down." He shoved the papers in a desk drawer and flicked his wand; three new chairs appeared before them. Snape and Sookie took the most comfortable ones while Bill got stuck with an ugly chair without a seat cushion.

"Mr. Northman and I were just discussing some business." The wizard clasped his hands in front of him. "I'm sorry, have I not introduced myself? My name is Albus Dumbledore, and I'm the Headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry."

Bill snorted, not paying attention. Sookie was positively beaming with joy from being in the same room as Snape _and_ Eric. Eric nonchalantly looked at Sookie and Bill, taking in Bill's tourist getup with a small smirk. "Albus and I were just talking about something that happened last week."

"Ah do not cah!" Bill screeched. "Ah suggest you leave immediately! Sookeh is mine!"

Eric raised an eyebrow before continuing as if there was no interruption. "A staff member employed at Hogwarts-" Eric couldn't help but smile at saying the name. "-attempted to attack Pam and I. Luckily the Ministry of Magic arrived before I hurt him." Eric scrunched his nose, looking like a four year old for a moment. "He reeked of garlic and had a horrendous stutter. I did not wish to touch him."

"I don't reek of garlic _or_ have a horrendous stutter." Sookie batted her eyelashes at Eric, not-so-discreetly scooting her chair closer to where Eric was sitting. "In fact, I smell of lavender and my voice is like an angel singing."

Snape coughed. "Can I leave now?"

"No, Severus." Dumbledore said firmly, adding ropes to tie Snape to the chair just in case. Snape just creased his eyebrows angrily, staring at the floor and reciting potion ingredients from memory to pass the time.

Dumbledore looked at the two vampires, one human, very seriously. "There is something very serious going on between you three, and before you leave this room, it will be resolved. Now," Dumbledore raised his eyebrows. "Who would like to speak first?"

No one spoke, and Sookie thought it the perfect time to read the two humans' minds.

_Lacewing, Boomslang, Unicorn Horn, Fluxweed…_

_Why am I even here when I could be enjoying a tasty lemon drop? No, Albus, you must keep your resolve; you need to help this people, even though they're doomed..._

_Shit…was it the horn of a Unicorn or the horn of a Bicorn?_

_Did I tell Minerva to start my bath…?_

_Damn it, self! A Polyjuice potion is not hard! Remember!_

_Mr. Northman is looking at me…golly…should I flirt?_

_I could use a Polyjuice potion right now…turn myself into Fudge or some Ministry official and get the hell out of here. I could be Minister…heh heh._

_Butter my house elf, is Snape is smiling?_

_Ugh, the Stackhouse woman is breathing against my shoulder._

_Nobody is answering my question! Wait…what was my question?_

Sookie pulled out of their minds with a violent jerk and stared at them frantically. "You guys think the dumbest things!" She whined, grabbing hold of Eric's right arm and Bill's left. "I want both of them! I should be able to have them both!"

The room was dead silent except for a gentle whirring of the instruments in Dumbledore's office and a soft hoo from Fawkes. "I see." The elderly man took off his glasses, rubbed them clean, and put them back on. "There can be only one solution in a case like this." Everyone but Snape leaned in eagerly, hanging on his every word.

"All or nothing."

Snape's eyes narrowed. "Headmaster, I'm sorry to say that we are not playing a game of cards. You seem to be having some sort of a flashback."

"No no no, Severus." Dumbledore shook his head and smiled at them all. "What I mean is that Sookie here must either have them both or not have one at all." Eric made a face at the thought of _sharing_, but Bill was rubbing Sookie's shoulders comfortingly.

"It's okay, Sookeh. This senile man does not know what he is talking about." Bill kissed Sookie's cheek. "Ah think we should get back to the hotel now." He made to grab Sookie and pull her out of the chair, but she pushed him back and stood up, wobbling on her ten inch heels.

"No! Dumbledore is right!" Tears threatened to fall down her cheeks, but she forced them away. "I have to have both of you, and if you can't have that, well, you can't have me!"

Snape tried to hit his head hard enough on his chair to make himself pass out; the lovey dovey and soap opera style scene was sickening and caused his heart to die.

Eric rose to his full height, which nearly touched the ceiling, and walked over to Sookie, grabbing her hands with his. "Sookie. Sookie, Sookie, Sookie." He clicked his tongue. "Don't you see? Compton over there does not deserve someone as beautiful and intelligent as you. He cannot even pronounce your name right." He smirked, flashing his teeth ever so slightly. "Now look at me. I'm rich, I'm successful, and I'm way more attractive than Mr. Slacks and Polo Everyday over there. We were meant to be together."

"Sookeh, no!" Bill hurled himself at the beautiful, yellow-haired couple, but it was too late. Her hand clasped in Eric's, Sookie walked out of Dumbledore's office and out of Bill's life.

And she didn't even look back.

Three months later Snape was once again in Dumbledore's office, but this time he was alone. Dumbledore wasn't smiling. "Severus, you cannot be serious. There must be a mistake, somewhere." Dumbledore looked at his desk sadly. "Somewhere…"

"No, Headmaster." Snape drawled, his hands clasped behind his back as he looked straight ahead, eyes unfocused. "It has been confirmed. Voldemort has been restored to full power and shall reign once more over foolish, foolish individuals." Snape grimaced as he thought of his past self, but did not dwell on the thought.

"And you said he had someone helping him? Someone who wishes to gain more power than Voldemort himself?"

"Correct."

The room went silent before Snape spoke again. "William T. Compton, is his name."

Dumbledore cringed at the name before composing himself. "Miss Stackhouse should never have left him. Everyone will have to pay." Dumbledore shook his head. "How far developed is he?"

"He has joined the Circle and received the Mark."

"Damn it, Bill." Dumbledore gripped his desk. "What a moron." Snape raised an eyebrow, never hearing Dumbledore talk about someone so scathingly before.

"Headmaster, I-"

Snape was cut off by a loud, booming, lisped voice that seemed to come from all directions. Both of them slouched in disbelief when the easily recognizable voice came into focus.

"Ah have infiltrated the Hogwarts' speaker system-"

"Headmaster, do we have a speaker system?" Snape asked.

"No." Dumbledore replied.

"And Ah hope you all can hear meh." There was a loud bump, a hiss of "Curses," and a few muffled groans of pain.

"Ah will take down Hogwarts now, and Ah will slay Harry Pottah to please mah mastah, Lord Voldehmort."

"It's true then, shit." Snape rubbed his face.

"Ah will take out mah sword and hunt down Harry Pottah right now. Ah have been given a pictah of Harry Pottah by Voldehmort. He has red hair, is short and lanky, and has freckles. Harry Pottah is going down!"

Bill's voice was suddenly cut off, and Dumbledore sighed. "Severus, go find Mr. Weasley and make sure he is taken to a safe place immediately. Though I don't suppose Mr. Compton can do much damage, there's always the chance he is not alone."

Snape rolled his eyes. "Do I have-"

"Yes, you have to."

Snape turned to leave. "Very well."


End file.
